Hypocrite. I hate'em.

There comes a time, where you finally look through someone.

People are forgetting their stand that they held, that they had affected others with it, at the beginning of dealing with the issue. At the early of the whole thing took place, together they formed a "middle ground" group (can't really apply the word "underground"), to protest against and share their thought towards the issue that they are not happy with.

So, as time went by, they changed their stand, acted completely different towards the issue. The issue that once made them cried like hell, that lighten up the burning fire in their heart and the disguise, elusive, guileful felt that they had, were all vanished in a split of second. In fact, you can now see them laughing and play a fool with the issue!

This is the perspective through a few that remained, like me, still holding to that stand.If you ask me, are you disgust with these people? Yes! Is not about whether you are that mean or acting like a bitch to not call a quit with this issue, but is about " is that easy to forget and, to forgive"?

To compare their early and latest reaction towards the issue, is truly a hyperbola. The one speaking the loudest, all of a suden becoming the softest. But now at least I can see the point where they're coming from.

As for me, I won't be such a hypocrite. I don't mean I'm a big good person, there's time I act too, but definitely not in this case. How can you be nice after you cursed everything about it? That would just make me feel like an Oscar-winner-wanna-be actress.

For me, you won't be so forgetful and forgiveful, unless you wanna use somebody.

Fuck that teacher carrier. No way.

Okay, it's been a long time that this issue had ran in my family. Now it's worsen. The issue is that my mother just can't accept that none of us of her four daughter is going to be a TEACHER.

Yeah, erm....I know I know, the fact that my elder sister is completing her Master thesis while working her full-time job, my second sister a jobless fresh UM graduand, me is going to end my Form 6 life soon and my little sister as a new comer in Lower 6, all this does not seem to put a beautiful ending to the melancholic pitiful a-teacher-to-be issue.

Yes, you heard me. No, I'm not kidding. How can someone that had graduate from a university or just about to end her STPM education still have that kind of hope? Well, ask my mom.

Well as for me, I didn't think that the issue will arise once again in this way. Never at all. The issue restarted with my sister being jobless after she decided to resign as AIA admin and went back to hometown. She succeeded a second interview but had to reject the job due to the poor payment offered.

So my mom, started to nagging and mumbling about the favourite course she picked that made her jobless. No mom, she picked that course because she had to if she were to enter university with her STPM result.

So while my mom is talking about how my sister should apply for the course of teacher right now blah-blah-blah to me, suddenly I just had the heart to stand out and speak for my poor sister. I was telling her how her effort, 4 years in university would just varnished in second and the certificate that she worked hard for is no more than a piece of junk if she were to do so. In that case, she should had apply for maktab and not to form 6 and went through one of the hardest test in the world, 6 years ago.

The next thing that happened, totally shut my mouth up. My mom replied me: "Then what is the use you study Form 6 harh? What for you study Form 6? "

Hello, I only left one and a half month to strive for my STPM which is just around the corner, and you're saying these words? Oh my god, it's the ridiculous thing a child had ever listen from the mouth of a mother while she's figuring out how to make full use of the remaining time studying for her STPM!

I would rather that you forced me, made me go for maktab a year ago, than listening to you saying studying STPM is useless just when the exam is coming! All we want is your moral support for what we're doing now, but why can't you? Why can't you?! Is it so hard for you to be supportive to your own daughter? Why you like to listen to those stupid idiots? But not us? If dad were around, he would be supporting us...

Thank you mom, when I was worrying about my STPM, you just killed my study heart again and shattered me into peices.

God help me.

Just realise that I have less than 3 months to study for my STPM. All of sudden when I think of the time left I got nervous breakdown just now.

Seriously? I haven't study my biology volume 2 which is about 400 pages thick, haven't revise any of the 3 chemistry books (organic,inorganic and physical), haven't do any exercise for saving my math and starting to forget pengajian am and biology volume 1. Needless to say I haven't touch any of the pass years of the four subjects.

Seems to you I really in a big trouble right? Yeah I know. This 2 weeks holiday is like a precious treasure to me. Once gone, you wont get anymore golden chance this year.

Form 6? No kidding.

I'm a useless jerk

Seriously, I think I'm living an extremely useless pathetic life. It's not that I don't try or just give up like that.I know I always make myself into an EMO state, but it's not that I want to be in such state.I know I always display a very bad face, but I just don't know how to control my facial expression. So maybe making ignorance your best friend is actually a very brilliant move to handle bad looking in my face.Because most of it I just get depressed or anxious with no reason. At all.

When everybody is struggling with their studies, I'm struggling with my past. I'm wasting my time trying to get up after felt down for so long. It's like I'm sleeping for such a long time, since December 2007. I try to reach a hand to get up, but every time I getting closer to it, the hand disappears. Every time I thought thing would change, it turned out to be the other way round. So far my journey in this life, had given me numerous big lessons. By the age of 16 I already get to taste what it feel to lose somebody that mean so much forever. Is not that I'm being proud or brag about such thing(it's really crazy for you all to think so please!) , it just that I getting fed up and tired. The cut, although after 2 years and more, I can still feel its pain.It still a very fresh one.

Then when my life is loosing direction, and plus the important factors of life are missing, all these are just making me feel like living in hell. I don't want others to look at me with pitiful eyes, but I myself are making them to do so. Sometimes I just envy how my friends around can get over this kind of problem within a shorter period than me. Everyone ask me to let it go, try not to think about it, but nobody teach me how to do it. I tried to get myself busy, but then it is not effective at all. I already lose my heart to do anything, I can't concentrate as it will crawl into my mind quietly, and I can't chase it away. I don't want to be aware of it all the time, but I can't stop myself. It's too hard...And I'm doubt whether I can find the cure of my illness...People, maybe you think that it's ridiculous that I think or talk about it all the time, but I just wanna say, it's something you wouldn't get to know how I feel unless you go through it, and I really mean it.

I hope to get another chance of new life, this life right now, has lost its meaning and everything. I really don't want to waste the rest of my life feeling this pain. If I could go some other place in this Earth, like being a volunteer helping the victims in catastrophe areas, I would willingly go even if without any payment.