I'm a useless jerk

Seriously, I think I'm living an extremely useless pathetic life. It's not that I don't try or just give up like that.I know I always make myself into an EMO state, but it's not that I want to be in such state.I know I always display a very bad face, but I just don't know how to control my facial expression. So maybe making ignorance your best friend is actually a very brilliant move to handle bad looking in my face.Because most of it I just get depressed or anxious with no reason. At all.

When everybody is struggling with their studies, I'm struggling with my past. I'm wasting my time trying to get up after felt down for so long. It's like I'm sleeping for such a long time, since December 2007. I try to reach a hand to get up, but every time I getting closer to it, the hand disappears. Every time I thought thing would change, it turned out to be the other way round. So far my journey in this life, had given me numerous big lessons. By the age of 16 I already get to taste what it feel to lose somebody that mean so much forever. Is not that I'm being proud or brag about such thing(it's really crazy for you all to think so please!) , it just that I getting fed up and tired. The cut, although after 2 years and more, I can still feel its pain.It still a very fresh one.

Then when my life is loosing direction, and plus the important factors of life are missing, all these are just making me feel like living in hell. I don't want others to look at me with pitiful eyes, but I myself are making them to do so. Sometimes I just envy how my friends around can get over this kind of problem within a shorter period than me. Everyone ask me to let it go, try not to think about it, but nobody teach me how to do it. I tried to get myself busy, but then it is not effective at all. I already lose my heart to do anything, I can't concentrate as it will crawl into my mind quietly, and I can't chase it away. I don't want to be aware of it all the time, but I can't stop myself. It's too hard...And I'm doubt whether I can find the cure of my illness...People, maybe you think that it's ridiculous that I think or talk about it all the time, but I just wanna say, it's something you wouldn't get to know how I feel unless you go through it, and I really mean it.

I hope to get another chance of new life, this life right now, has lost its meaning and everything. I really don't want to waste the rest of my life feeling this pain. If I could go some other place in this Earth, like being a volunteer helping the victims in catastrophe areas, I would willingly go even if without any payment.